Outcast

Life is a series of moments. Some are good. Some are not. While on this journey without alcohol the moments are different. They are more vivid. They have some sense of exaggerated meaning. They seem to have more impact than they would have weeks ago with a glass of wine in hand.



The feelings around these moments seem to loom larger and yet they are not. When numbed or blinded by alcohol the meaning was probably the same. It was just diminished. And, then there are some feelings that are new.



At a recent dinner with friends where the wine flowed the topic of my abstaining came up. I felt like there were some gestures of "good for you" and "that's nice." At that moment, they were on their third bottle of wine, may have even been the fourth. Somehow, the idea of them considering abstinence seem to present itself. The man of house raised his glass in a toast and heartily proclaimed "not me!" His raised glass was met with the others, including my wife, in a celebratory clink over the center of the table. At that moment, I felt completely alone.



I was with a group of friends known for years and yet felt outside of the group. And, by my own decision. The feeling passed but I would recall it as I do now. Alone. Not lonely. But, alone.



It felt like I was an outcast of the tribe. A tribe I had become a part of over the years. And, now exiled for some wrong I had committed.  Of course, this is not true. But, those feelings were there.



Being part of the tribe is part of the human instinct. It is in our genes. It is how we survived when we lived in caves and dodged saber toothed tigers. When you get exiled it sparks fear. What is Fear? Fear is a primal instinct that tries to protect you. Talk about old habits that die hard. 



Well, outcast or not. I stuck with my commitment. 



And, today I feel good about it. In fact, I might even start my own tribe.