Do You Love Yourself?

I just read Annie Grace's email with the subject line of "Bulletproof." Yes, I am on her list. The topic of the email was the feeling of being bulletproof. This is how you feel when you are young and there is a power in that. And, it is a power you can rekindle at any age. Anyway, it was good stuff. Annie always has good stuff.

One of the points Annie made was about loving yourself. This concept is not new to me. I have read about it. Considered it regarding myself and what I see in others. I do believe that I understand it. Or, do I?

One thing that Annie talks about is taking care of yourself. Caring for yourself is a form of loving yourself. One of the ways of loving yourself is making good choices about nourishing your body with the right foods, water, exercise, rest, etc. And, this triggered a thought in me.

I do pretty well with my physical health and did so even when drinking. I am a regular at the gym, run all summer and ski all winter, I eat mostly vegan and organic. I use supplements. I stretch, meditate and do yoga. You can say these are all acts of love. But, not everything I have done lately is loving...

Lately, I have been eating so much crap. Doughnuts, cookies and candy. I have seen this progressively getting worse by the day. And, it made me think "why would I punish myself in this way?" This is certainly not loving myself.

This sense that I was hurting myself with these sugary snacks gave way to the memory of me doing this just a few months ago with alcohol. It is the same thing. And, in my mind, the image my Drinking Demon appeared, looking at me with his hands outstretched offering me an open cookie jar....

Same asshole, different poison.  What the fuck?

I recoiled at the thought and the image disappeared from my mind. But, the feeling remained.

Once again, I felt betrayed by a side of me that does not love me. It is a side of me that wants to hurt me and punish me. It is a shadow side.

It is the part of me that harbors deep seated memories that are gross distortions of truth. Each one etched onto the walls of my mind by a toddler version of myself. Thoughts from an immature mind that should have no bearing on today. And yet, they still hold some power over me.

But, like all dark shadows of memory, they are swiftly chased away by the light of consciousness. By awareness. I am looking at those sugary snacks a lot differently now. They don't seem to have the same appeal that gave me that dopamine rush. I look at them as hurting myself, not caring for myself.

Not loving myself.

Another step in the sober world. Day 59.

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." Henry David Thoreau

Why you don't want to be alcohol-free

If you have or think you have a drinking problem you shouldn’t try to become alcohol free. And, let’s be honest, if you think you might have a problem with alcohol, you probably do. But, whether you have figured out you if have a problem or not, you should still not try to become alcohol free.

The concept of that someone with an alcohol problem shouldn’t become alcohol free sounds counter-intuitive. And, it is. Stick with me here.

Before I get into the why behind not being alcohol free, let me explain my journey and how I came to this conclusion.

I am not and never was a passed out, in the gutter, out of work drunk. My problem was never that serious. But, it was still serious to me.

I was a high-functioning alcoholic. Or, at least as highly functioning as I could be. To even say I was high functioning and an alcoholic in one sentence sounds like an oxymoron. I probably wasn’t an alcoholic as the term is commonly known and used. But, I definitely had a problem with alcohol.

I experienced the sleeping issues, the blackouts, the mysterious internet purchases and the occasional misunderstanding with people that seemed so important when buzzed but so stupid the next day. I knew there was a problem and I needed to do something about it.

I joined an online challenge for 30 days. And, I listened to a book about problem drinking. In fact, I read several books. I followed a number of YouTubers who had something to say. I accumulated a lot of knowledge on alcohol, what it does to your body physically and what it does to you mind mentally and emotionally. There were some themes across all the books and then there were some genuinely unique insights from some of the authors. All and all, I did the research. A lot of research. And, it became very clear to me that alcohol was not doing me any good. And, I understood why. So, I tried to go alcohol-free.

I joined a 30 day no alcohol challenge. I thought it would be challenging but certainly not impossible. The first few days were interesting. The way I felt was incredible. You don’t really know how bad alcohol makes you feel until stop using it. Anyway, I was going along just fine and then on Day 10 I was informed of a promotion that I did not get. I was crushed. And, I immediately had a couple of drinks to soothe my emotions. Sound familiar?

Well, that slip up led me back to the daily drinking within days. And, it completely erased the pink cloud of those nine days without a drink. So, not one to give up and now with new knowledge, I geared up for another challenge.

My second attempt lasted 8 days. And, this time it was not devastating news that pushed me off the cart. It was the beautiful surroundings of a Canadian winter landscape. I brought my wife to a gorgeous ski chalet north of Quebec, Canada for her 50th birthday. As soon as I walked into the room and saw the view of the mountains through the floor to roof peak windows, the king-sized four poster canopy bed and perfectly arranged and ready to light fireplace, I knew this was going to be an awesome time. And, my immediate thoughts were that I couldn’t possibly enjoy this atmosphere without some wine. Have you ever had that thought?

I would go on to make three more decent attempts over the next 10 months. And, when I say decent attempts, I mean something more than a few days. I can’t count how many Day One’s I have had. Even the two or three day stretches are too plentiful to recall. But, as many attempts as I had, they all ended with the same result. Me back to drinking daily. But, the drinking wasn’t even the worst part.

Every failed attempt seemed to build a case for not being able to quit. It was damaging my self esteem. I felt like a failure. And, of course this emotional pain would end up getting soothed with more alcohol. And, hence, I find myself on the addict’s merry-go-round known as the addiction cycle. I was losing the battle. I was losing hope.

As I continued to go through these cycles I did keep reading, and rereading, the books on quitting. This Naked Mind, Alcohol Lied to Me, Recovery and Alcohol Explained. I continued follow Youtubers and Blogs. It is this persistence that I credit with me finally finding a way.

I ended up stumbling upon another program called the 30 Day Sobriety Solution. It is another book and has a companion website to go with it. This program took a less technical approach and more of a psychological approach. It didn’t get to deeply into the physical damage that alcohol causes except to understand that it is happening. The book was more linked to the emotional aspects that we have with alcohol. It challenges the more deeply seated feelings that may cause you to drink and addresses them with exercises.

I did the 30 sobriety challenge and it worked. But, I worked. I did everything that the program said to do. And, I am still doing it. And, one of the key concepts is that you should not try to become alcohol free. Here is why.

The term alcohol-free is similar to the marketing of alcohol. It uses the word alcohol. There is an impression on the brain that occurs even with the simplest of messages. This fact cannot be understated. So, when the focus is always on alcohol, it becomes more difficult to ignore it. And, the easiest way to understand this is with the elephant test.

Sit back, close your eyes and don’t think of an elephant, especially pink ones. Go ahead and try it.

Did you try it? I’ll bet that not only did you think of an elephant, you thought of a pink one! The mere suggestion creates that image in your mind assuming you know what an elephant is. This experiment fails with aliens from another planet and human infants who don’t know what an elephant is. But, if you’re like 99% of the human race which there is a 99% chance you are, you thought of an elephant. And, it was probably pink (Pink Elephant). So, what does this have to do with alcohol?

We are constantly focused on alcohol in our lives and in society. We are mercilessly bombarded with messages of alcohol in media, advertising, music and video. In one study on Twitter, profiles of those of over 21 years of age received 1,836 alcohol related tweets within a 30 day span. And, the frequency of the messaging peaked on Thursdays and Fridays (Twitter Study). What a shocker??

I play guitar and sing for small parties. Well over half of the songs I sing have some reference to alcohol. And, let’s not even get started on how glorified alcohol is in the movies!! And, it is this very reason and the others previously outlined is why trying to be alcohol-free will not work.

The very mention of alcohol, or pink elephants, will draw your focus to these things. So, instead of trying to become alcohol-free, we should become sober.

Yes, being sober is the same as being non-alcoholic. But, to your mind, this is two different things. The mention of alcohol brings in thoughts of alcohol. The parties, the buzz, the after work relaxation, the pre-dinner wine, etc. The mention of sobriety brings in, well, sobriety. So, to increase the likelihood of your success, you should focus on being sober instead of alcohol-free. It makes a big difference. It made all the difference to me.

When you think of being sober, not only does the imagery not include alcohol, it features early mornings and refreshing sleep, driving without worries and clean living. Lower restaurant tabs, great sleep, better exercise, etc. This is where we need to place our focus.


Unfortunately, sobriety is tougher to sell than alcohol. There are no major companies spending billions of dollars selling sobriety. And, some marketing, especially in social media, would have you thinking that sobriety is just boring. I can assure you that it is not.

I am having a better time now than I did when I was drinking. I am way more engaged. I am more interested in others.  I am less distracted, less preoccupied and so much better connected to myself and others. There is one part that does suck.

When you are sober and others drink you start to see things you didn’t see before. I not referring to dinner with friends. I am referring to the parties where the drinking continues into the night. When you are sober you start to see people say and do some stupid shit. Someone incoherently babbling on and on with alcohol infused breath in your face is as pleasant as throwing up.

No. Thank. You.

But, if dealing with drunks is part of the price you pay for all the benefits of sobriety, I will gladly pay that price. By the way, you can just walk away, mid-sentence, from that incoherent, babbling drunk. You won’t hurt their feelings and they won’t remember it anyway.

Party on Garth! Party on Wayne!

For me, I am going to Sober On!!