Day One or One Day

I am at Day One. 

Again.

Last week it was something at work. Last night it was something at home. The hurt I think I am curing only turns into the hurt of the cure. The next day always sucks.

I am not even hung over physically. I am wide awake and about to put down some miles on a trail run. But, the mental hangover makes me feel like I'm the trail and not the runner.

It's times like this when going alcohol free feels like a game of Chutes & Ladders. And, I just came down the chute back to Day One. The problem is there is no fun in this game. But, there is a lot of learning.

I am seeing patterns. I am seeing the cause and the effect. I have learned to anticipate that initial urge growing inside me as I leave work. When I start driving home I can feel the ping pong thoughts that bounce back and forth between the "drinking" paddle and the "non-drinking" paddle. I press on hoping not to hit it into the net. Just get home...

Once I get home I am usually okay. There is plenty to do with kids, homework, dinner and the like. I just stay busy and it seems to work out fine as long as nothing unusual happens.

The thing about the unusual is that you can't anticipate it. Like a sick child, it just shows up and throws up unannounced. And, it is usually something you are not in control of. Mix some panicked emotions into this vomit party and stress levels will escalate faster than cheating accusations after the Patriots win another football game.

I do believe that success long term will depend on being able to handle these unforeseen challenges with a different reaction. Reaching for a drink has been ingrained over the years and really has just become a habit. It has become a neural highway that gets me to where I want to go faster than any other means. But, that highway is littered with wrecks in the form of hangovers, blacked-out memories, damaged relationships and dents in my self esteem. It is time to find a new road.

So, it is Day One again. But, not one day. It has to be many days. I have learned that my relationship with alcohol is dynamic. At times it can be compelling and irresistible, other times, comforting and soothing. But, no matter what gets it started, it always ends the same. It is like the really friendly and likable person you meet that turns out to be nothing but a liar and a cheat. 

It's just not worth it. 

I See Drunk People

Can I tell you a secret?

I see drunk people.

In my dreams? 

No. I see them while I'm awake in bars, in homes, at parties. They're everywhere...

Do they know they're drunk? 

I don't think so. They don't seem to notice. Some seem happy and some seem sad. And, they all seem to drink more no matter how they feel. But, I don't think they know they're drunk. Or, getting drunker.

Does it help them?

I don't think so. But, they do. They think it relieves stress. Or, makes them more social, or dance better. And, some even think it makes them better Karaoke singers.

Does it hurt them?

Yes. And, they know it. But, they do it anyway. They see only what they want to see.

Can they be helped?

Yes. But, they must be willing to help themselves. Stopping is hard at first. But, it gets easier with time. And, there are lots of places to get help.

Do you want to see them stop drinking?

Yes. I don't want to see drunk people anymore.

Am I an Alcoholic or a Normal Drinker?

I was at a bar with coworkers yesterday and opted for the Soda Water Lime Special of the Day. I got a strange look from one of my fellow department heads. I knew what was on his mind. So, before he could ask, I told him I was taking a break from drinking.



His eyes squinted a look of disbelief and asked "why?"



"I'm taking a break. No big deal," I replied hoping that would be the end of the interrogation. But, it wasn't.



He asked me if I was an "alcoholic or a normal drinker."



Now it was my turn to ask the questions. I have known alcoholics that have gone way over the edge to the point of needing rehab to recover. I didn't think that was me. But the other option got me thinking. "What is a normal drinker?"



Is there even such a thing as a normal drinker? This concept just didn't make sense to me. I thought about it in other cases.



What is a normal smoker? What is a normal pothead? What is normally obese? The problem, of course, with all these situations is that they are not normal at all. They are abnormal.



So, am I an abnormal drinker?



I have come to realize this. It is not one glass of wine. It's the bottle. It's not one beer. It's the six-pack. When someone sees themselves in this way, they have to realize that what they are doing is not normal. 



You have just enough of a problem to wonder if you have a problem. You're not completely over the edge. But, you're one little slip from a big fall. So, I stayed away from the edge with my soda water and lime.



One thing I could appreciate when I left that bar, besides the zero bill, was that when I slipped behind the wheel to drive home, I felt like a normal driver.

Till Sobriety Do Us Part

My wife and I have enjoyed many a bottle of wine over the years. There are a lot of memories of places traveled and functions attended where the wine was commonplace. There were times of crowded places and moments of intimate spaces where the vino flowed. Wine is one of the threads that has woven our lives together to form the relationship and bond we enjoy today. But, what happens when the bottle runs dry?





My journey on the 30 days of alcohol-free living has presented some challenges I expected. The temptations on Sunday afternoons when the pigskin gets tossed around. The weekly visit to the wood-fired pizza joint with my family every Friday. The challenges you expect are the easy ones. You know what's coming and you can mentally prepare for them. It's the unexpected challenges you need to be careful about.





I wrote about the feeling of being an Outcast in another post. This was a challenge I didn't expect. But, I dealt with it. It was an internally born feeling which made it easier to deal with. And, once I understood it, I was able to mentally, and easily, joust my way around it. But, another challenge has presented itself that I have not completely solved yet.





This one does not come from inside my head which it makes it a bit more complicated to solve. It comes from the closest part of my external world. It comes from my soulmate, my best friend, my life partner. It comes from my wife.





My wife enjoys her wine. We enjoyed our wine. But, she never indulged to the level I did. She would occasionally have too much. But, that was the exception. I seemed to always have too much. And, that was the rule. And, it is why I thought it was time for a break. I just didn't realize that I would not just be breaking from the alcohol, I would be breaking from my wife too. At least that is her prospective.





She no longer has me as her partner-in-crime. She has threatened that she will have to get a new "drinking buddy." Acting as if the 30 days was going to be 30 years, she continues to question me everyday if I am going to join her for a glass of wine. So, what I thought would be a source of unquestioned support has instead become a source of unsupportive questions. That has been disappointing to say the least. And, that is not the worst of it.





It has been said that "adversity does not build character, it reveals it." Both, my wife and I are under some adversity as I strive to reach my 30 days alcohol-free. I am struggling to break free of the drinking habit. And, my wife is struggling to let me. The inherent selfishness that is revealed in our words and actions is unsettling at best and saddening at worst.





But, is it really a selfish choice? I don't believe so.





My decision to do the 30 day no alcohol challenge was not a selfish choice. It was a choice for self. It was a choice for me. It was me following a calling to improve myself, to become the best version of myself. And, the world is a better place with not just the best version of myself, but the best version of each of us.





Sometimes when we endeavor on missions to change the world or ourselves it may seem that the universe creates obstacles. These obstacles are not meant to stop us. They are meant to make us stronger. This is why we need to push through obstacles when it gets tough. And, it doesn't matter where these obstacles come from. Whether it is a friend, an acquaintance, a stranger or even your own spouse. You must push through and stick with the mission.





It is said that it is darkest just before the dawn. As I push through to 30 days I will hold my fearful wife a little closer and tighter during that darkness. And, when the dawn of 30 days arrives, she will see that she has not lost me.

Outcast

Life is a series of moments. Some are good. Some are not. While on this journey without alcohol the moments are different. They are more vivid. They have some sense of exaggerated meaning. They seem to have more impact than they would have weeks ago with a glass of wine in hand.



The feelings around these moments seem to loom larger and yet they are not. When numbed or blinded by alcohol the meaning was probably the same. It was just diminished. And, then there are some feelings that are new.



At a recent dinner with friends where the wine flowed the topic of my abstaining came up. I felt like there were some gestures of "good for you" and "that's nice." At that moment, they were on their third bottle of wine, may have even been the fourth. Somehow, the idea of them considering abstinence seem to present itself. The man of house raised his glass in a toast and heartily proclaimed "not me!" His raised glass was met with the others, including my wife, in a celebratory clink over the center of the table. At that moment, I felt completely alone.



I was with a group of friends known for years and yet felt outside of the group. And, by my own decision. The feeling passed but I would recall it as I do now. Alone. Not lonely. But, alone.



It felt like I was an outcast of the tribe. A tribe I had become a part of over the years. And, now exiled for some wrong I had committed.  Of course, this is not true. But, those feelings were there.



Being part of the tribe is part of the human instinct. It is in our genes. It is how we survived when we lived in caves and dodged saber toothed tigers. When you get exiled it sparks fear. What is Fear? Fear is a primal instinct that tries to protect you. Talk about old habits that die hard. 



Well, outcast or not. I stuck with my commitment. 



And, today I feel good about it. In fact, I might even start my own tribe.

Setbacks

October 10, 2017

Yesterday was a setback. I received some news that was very disappointing and upsetting. So, I proceeded to drown my sorrows in wine. 9 days down the drain. Now I will start over.

I must realize that there will always be things that come up. Life has disappointments. It is part of life. There is no way around it. But, there is a better way to handle it. I could have done better.

I will begin again with more experience and more determination.

October 16, 2017

Another setback. But, unlike the previous one, there was no devastating news, no disappointment. It was the end of a long week and I just wanted to have a drink. 

I honestly didn't give it a hard try. It was as if I watched myself going through the motions. I could almost hear a voice in my head screaming, "What are you doing?"

That scream fell on deaf ears though. And, I proceeded through Saturday and Sunday with more of the same. I went to bed early on Sunday to assure a full night's sleep. I took some melatonin to make sure I stayed asleep. I didn't want the alcoholic sleep where you wake up in a pool of sweat and then toss and turn unable to fall back asleep.

So, I am back to Day One. And, I want it to be Day One and not one day. I didn't realize the effort that this would take. I demonstrated that effort the first week. But, I must have become complacent, took my eyes off the goal, forgot my why's. Whatever. I am back.

One Week Not Weak

Today marks one week of no alcohol. It was easier than I thought it would be. That is not to say that I did not work at it.

I watched a daily video from James Swanwick who runs a 30 Day No Alcohol Challenge.  Part of James' program includes a private Facebook group which I joined.  I also joined another closed Facebook group that basically does the same thing.  I have accountability partners in both groups. I am active in both groups and reach out to my accountability partners everyday. I also write in the Blog everyday.  So, I am paying attention to the process.

I have not yet had any "real" tests. Most of my drinking was done at home. Wine was my go-to drink everyday before and during dinner. But, I was at home all week and I was okay. I was even okay the night my wife opened a bottle of our favorite Cabernet. My determination is to get to the 30 days is strong.

Today, I face my real test. My wife and I will visit a couple whom we always had drinks with. And, later we'll got to dinner at a restaurant where we always had drinks with dinner. One thing I have learned in this past week is how pervasive alcohol is in my life and in society. Alcohol is Everywhere.

I am keeping my why's at the forefront of my mind. And, after one week, I am not weak. I am strong!

Alcohol Is Everywhere!!

I never really paid attention to alcohol until I stopped paying attention to it. That is a bit of a mindbender so let me explain.

When I drank everyday I never really noticed how many liquor stores there were on my drive to and from work. I never really noticed how often I see advertising for alcohol. It is in most movies and music. It's on all the sporting broadcasts. I even hear it in some of the books I listen to. And, I listen to non-fiction.

The point I am trying to make is that I didn't notice how prevalent alcohol is in our society until I stopped using it. There is an obvious correlation between my desire for it and my subconscious looking for it since I have recently quit. That much is obvious. But, this is one of those surprises that I did not expect taking the 30 Day No Alcohol Challenge. And, one that has given me a new perspective on our lives.

Alcohol is so pervasive in our society that is should be no wonder why we have so many alcohol related problems. It is literally everywhere! It is a part of every socio-economic class of society. It is geographically everywhere including so-called "dry" counties. It is ingrained in our culture.

It is no wonder our youth are drawn to the "adult" beverages. It becomes the forbidden fruit that the Serpent uses to lure the Eve of our youth. It is really a shame in some respects.

According to Statista, alcohol has become a huge part of the economy generating a whopping $223.2 Billion in sales annually in the US alone and those sales continue to increase. Sales increased 4.5% last year alone.

Americans are drinking more. A lot more. 

According to a study published in JAMA Psychiatry, an estimated one out of every eight Americans struggles with an alcohol disorder.

While none of what I learned is good news, it is news that I would not have learned if it hadn't joined the 30 Day No Alcohol Challenge. It is eye-opening.

It is sobering.

Do I Have A Drinking Problem?

I don't have a drinking problem. Or, do I?

I am not missing work or abusing any relationships. I have never had a DUI. There wasn't some event that just happened that made me look at trying to go without alcohol for a month.

There was no magical aha moment.

In fact, I am in in pretty decent physical condition for a 55 year old male. Last weekend I completed the Spartan Beast in Killington, Vermont. The Spartan Beast challenges the body, mind and spirit with 14 miles up and down a mountain and 32 obstacles. It was very difficult. But, I completed it.

But, could I have done better?

My career is going well. I am a senior executive in an insurance company leading two departments. I just won my second MVP award. Considering where I started in life, a welfare family living in the projects, I have done pretty well.

But, could I be doing better?

My physical appearance is not bad. In fact, I would say I am better looking than most men. I certainly do not look my age. I am carrying a few extra pounds. I put in long days and get a lot out of every day.

But, could I improve my performance? My appearance?

I am doing okay financially. I have a nice house, drive a new SUV, pay my bills, take a couple of vacations a year. Compared to most, I am doing pretty well.

But, could I be doing better?

I married to a beautiful woman. Like any marriage, it is not perfect. There are good times and bad times. But, we are together where some couples are not. Or, some that are together are in loveless marriages. I am not.

But, could I make this relationship better?

The answer to all the questions above is Yes.  Yes, I can do better physically. Yes, I can do better at work. Yes, I can improve my appearance. Yes, I can do better financially. Yes, I can improve my relationships especially the one with myself.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I can improve everything by doing just one thing: reducing or eliminating alcohol from my life.

I drink everyday. I have at least a couple of glasses of wine after work and with dinner each day. On weekends I usually polish off a couple of six packs. And, I don't drink light beer. I drink high alcohol content IPA's. They also pack a walloping 220 calories each!

I often feel tired during the day. My sleep is often interrupted. I don't wake up feeling refreshed. I can sometimes feel irritable. 

I spend a considerable amount of money on alcohol. And, often spend money on things I don't need because of alcohol.

These are the two main drivers that prompted me to start to look at the impact of alcohol in my life. And, the research I did revealed that there are probably other things that are being affected that I am not aware of.

The 30 day no alcohol challenge can be found many places on the internet. There are all kinds of 30 day challenges. In the research, I found that there are many people like me. They are not drinking to the point of creating major problems in their life. But, the are concerned about the impact alcohol is having on them. And, when they have taken the 30 day challenge, they have noticed astonishing results.

Practically all of them lose weight, sleep better, improve their relationships and save money. For the ones that complete the 30 days, many just stick with it. It just feels so much better to not drink.

30 days is not a long time and that is what makes it not seem so insurmountable. You can do the 30 days and come back to drinking if you want. That thought makes the challenge feel doable. It is not forever. It is not a lifelong permanent change.

30 days is not a long time. But, it is enough time. It is enough time for the body to recover. And, the fact that recover is what happens should be enough of a reason to stop drinking.

So, I will do my 30 No Alcohol Challenge in October 2017. The first day will be October 1, 2017. I can't wait to see what happens. I will record it all here.