Do You Love Yourself?

I just read Annie Grace's email with the subject line of "Bulletproof." Yes, I am on her list. The topic of the email was the feeling of being bulletproof. This is how you feel when you are young and there is a power in that. And, it is a power you can rekindle at any age. Anyway, it was good stuff. Annie always has good stuff.

One of the points Annie made was about loving yourself. This concept is not new to me. I have read about it. Considered it regarding myself and what I see in others. I do believe that I understand it. Or, do I?

One thing that Annie talks about is taking care of yourself. Caring for yourself is a form of loving yourself. One of the ways of loving yourself is making good choices about nourishing your body with the right foods, water, exercise, rest, etc. And, this triggered a thought in me.

I do pretty well with my physical health and did so even when drinking. I am a regular at the gym, run all summer and ski all winter, I eat mostly vegan and organic. I use supplements. I stretch, meditate and do yoga. You can say these are all acts of love. But, not everything I have done lately is loving...

Lately, I have been eating so much crap. Doughnuts, cookies and candy. I have seen this progressively getting worse by the day. And, it made me think "why would I punish myself in this way?" This is certainly not loving myself.

This sense that I was hurting myself with these sugary snacks gave way to the memory of me doing this just a few months ago with alcohol. It is the same thing. And, in my mind, the image my Drinking Demon appeared, looking at me with his hands outstretched offering me an open cookie jar....

Same asshole, different poison.  What the fuck?

I recoiled at the thought and the image disappeared from my mind. But, the feeling remained.

Once again, I felt betrayed by a side of me that does not love me. It is a side of me that wants to hurt me and punish me. It is a shadow side.

It is the part of me that harbors deep seated memories that are gross distortions of truth. Each one etched onto the walls of my mind by a toddler version of myself. Thoughts from an immature mind that should have no bearing on today. And yet, they still hold some power over me.

But, like all dark shadows of memory, they are swiftly chased away by the light of consciousness. By awareness. I am looking at those sugary snacks a lot differently now. They don't seem to have the same appeal that gave me that dopamine rush. I look at them as hurting myself, not caring for myself.

Not loving myself.

Another step in the sober world. Day 59.

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." Henry David Thoreau