Day One or One Day

I am at Day One. 

Again.

Last week it was something at work. Last night it was something at home. The hurt I think I am curing only turns into the hurt of the cure. The next day always sucks.

I am not even hung over physically. I am wide awake and about to put down some miles on a trail run. But, the mental hangover makes me feel like I'm the trail and not the runner.

It's times like this when going alcohol free feels like a game of Chutes & Ladders. And, I just came down the chute back to Day One. The problem is there is no fun in this game. But, there is a lot of learning.

I am seeing patterns. I am seeing the cause and the effect. I have learned to anticipate that initial urge growing inside me as I leave work. When I start driving home I can feel the ping pong thoughts that bounce back and forth between the "drinking" paddle and the "non-drinking" paddle. I press on hoping not to hit it into the net. Just get home...

Once I get home I am usually okay. There is plenty to do with kids, homework, dinner and the like. I just stay busy and it seems to work out fine as long as nothing unusual happens.

The thing about the unusual is that you can't anticipate it. Like a sick child, it just shows up and throws up unannounced. And, it is usually something you are not in control of. Mix some panicked emotions into this vomit party and stress levels will escalate faster than cheating accusations after the Patriots win another football game.

I do believe that success long term will depend on being able to handle these unforeseen challenges with a different reaction. Reaching for a drink has been ingrained over the years and really has just become a habit. It has become a neural highway that gets me to where I want to go faster than any other means. But, that highway is littered with wrecks in the form of hangovers, blacked-out memories, damaged relationships and dents in my self esteem. It is time to find a new road.

So, it is Day One again. But, not one day. It has to be many days. I have learned that my relationship with alcohol is dynamic. At times it can be compelling and irresistible, other times, comforting and soothing. But, no matter what gets it started, it always ends the same. It is like the really friendly and likable person you meet that turns out to be nothing but a liar and a cheat. 

It's just not worth it.