Sober Rocket

Getting sober is like a rocket launch. What makes a successful rocket launch?

Obviously, getting off the ground, getting down range and then establishing a trajectory to your final destination. Sounds easy. But, there is a lot that goes into a rocket launch. There is a lot that can go wrong. There is a lot that has to go right. And, it takes phenomenal power to get started.

Getting sober, even if it is for only 30 days, is very similar to a rocket launch. Especially at the beginning where both getting sober and launching a rocket requires a lot of power. There is little doubt that major effort is going to be required of you to get started on a break from alcohol. And, it is here you have to trust the process. While it may take an enormous effort to get started, it takes much less effort to keep going. Just like a rocket that drops the main booster engines after take off, it can continue to travel at incomprehensible speeds on much less power. That is momentum.

Planning to launch a rocket requires an extensive amount of planning. There are literally thousands of tasks that must be completed in a specific sequence to successfully launch. That planning starts months and sometimes years in advance. When you quit drinking, even if only for a month, it should be planned for. Pick the date, clean out the house, plan activities for after the quit (launch) date to occupy your time and especially your mind. No plan is perfect and every planned is flawed in some way. So, don’t fret over every detail. A basic structured approach is all you need. And, most of what you will need to know will be learned along the way. Hey, it’s not rocket science...

As your launch date approaches take action on the preparations. Get everything ready in your physical world so your mental world is as comfortable as possible. You want to feel confident on launch day. The best way to accomplish this is to be meticulous in your preparation. Go into launch day knowing with a high level of confidence you have done everything possible to be ready to launch. 

9 Things I Learned in 90 Days

On December 31, 2018 I raised a glass of Dom Perignon and toasted in the New Year.

Welcome to 2019! 

Like many others, I had my hopes and dreams for this new year, this new opportunity. We all have that list of things we want to work on. Lose the weight, be a better spouse, be a better parent, make more money, go on a diet, etc. And, there are also those of us that choose to stop drinking.

Yeah, that was me.

I have to say I had high hopes. I tried without success at least a half dozen times with efforts I will call “good attempts.” These would be attempts that lasted at least 10 days or more. And, then I have more attempts than I can count of less than ten days. And, you will need to breakout your college level statistics textbook, a slide rule and a scientific calculator to count my Day One’s.

I had a lot of those. But, hey, they were part of the learning process. And, learn I did.

It seemed I learned something new everyday. Sometimes it was because I persevered through a situation. Other times it was because something just dawned on me and had a profound insight. But, no matter how I learned it, I was learning. I was growing.

I learned a lot in these 90 days and I will share what I think are some of the best parts. It is my hope that by sharing my experiences and insights of my journey to sobriety that it will help others on their journey.

One, I could actually to this do this. I started to believe that not drinking was possible. I could be sober. There were so many times when I would consider a life without alcohol and wonder how I would get by. How would I be able to go to a party and not drink? I know I am not the only one with these thoughts. What I learned is that this is a mental construct. This is simply an idea in your head. It is not a concrete wall. And, it can be changed. And the way to change it is to just do the thing. Once you start pushing through this mental construct you develop a sense of confidence in yourself. You realize that, “hey, I can do this!” This is believing in yourself.

Two is Sleep. Oh this is a joy that I welcomed back in my life. You don’t know what you are missing until you don’t have it anymore. Sleep, real sleep, is heavenly. Waking up refreshed. Dreaming again. No more tossing and turning. This has been the best part of not drinking. And, I believe this is what led to the next benefit of not drinking.

Three is Energy. My energy levels have gone up significantly. I am not bouncing off the walls with some caffeine induced jitter fit. Mindlessly, skipping around from task to task. No, now, I put in a very focused, productive and effective day at work and still have some gas left in the tank when I get home.

One thing I will note is that I can feel the tiredness at the end of the day. I do start to think about getting to bed for some of that glorious sleep. And, it is not like I didn’t need the sleep before. But, I was probably numbing my senses where I did not feel my body letting me know it was time to rest and rejuvenate. And, one of the benefits of a rested body and brain is a rested mind.

Four, is clarity and focus. Not drinking has been a game-changer in the area of clarity and focus. I am more dialed in now more than ever before. I am intense without feeling tense. I can sense people and their feelings at a whole new level. And, as a leader in my company this gain has been an enormous leveling up of my performance. The remarkable part of this is how much more I notice things now. And, even more incredible is the patience I have now have to let things unfold, to become what they are, before I take action on them.

I know that my effectiveness at work will eventually start to make a difference in the long term. 90 days is not a lot of time to move the dial on major business initiatives. But, I know that if I continue to do what I am doing, being as effective as I have been recently, it will lead to a promotion, more responsibility and, of course, more money.

Five is Money. I figured I was spending about $20 (£15.5) a day. I have saved about $1,800 (£1,378) now. That almost doesn’t seem believable. But, I do think I see a difference in my checkbook. And, I know that if I had continued to drink, that money spending pace would have continued. No doubt. But, the money saved is just a part of it.

As I alluded to in number four, I have become more effective at work and believe this will result in future promotions and increased earnings. And, in addition to the money saved on booze, I will see increases in my income from not drinking.

And, hey, the lack of unknown and forgotten late-night, alcohol-induced internet purchases is an immeasurable savings. Does anyone need a Hidden Bladder Flask?

Six is physical fitness. I am not an athlete. But, I do workout religiously, run in the summer and ski in the winter. I have run a couple of marathons and did some of those obstacle course races. But, realistically, I am just trying to stay healthy.

Not drinking has not convinced me to go out and run another Spartan race, but I feel like a Spartan when I work out now. I have broken all of my previous personal bests in weight lifting and skiing. Running is yet to be seen. And, at 56 years old this is quite remarkable. And, quite welcome. It helped in the bedroom too! 😉

Flow is number seven. And, my favorite improvement of all. This is something that I learned and is new to me. Whether I am playing my guitar and singing, skiing down a mountainside or giving a talk, I am in a new dimension. I feel things more vividly now. I connect with the things outside my physically, emotionally and spiritually. I let things happen, I don’t resist and I take things as they come. And, when I get into this state, the outcomes are good, I feel good and things seem to happen almost without effort. The strength of my faith in myself and universe increases.This feels like a superpower.

Number eight is nobody cares if you don’t drink. This is a big one. 

It is big because I have noticed in myself and others how much we look at how others are going to react to our not drinking. And, this makes sense. Our primal urge to please the others around us is rooted in our need for tribal acceptance. To be rejected is to not survive. It is inherent in all of us. Of course, this programming is no longer applicable.  It is like using DOS in the age of Windows. So, being brave and leaving the herd is a bold step. But, when you look back, there won’t that many people that care. That bold step is all in your mind. For the people in your life that do say something, we must remember, they are not thinking of you, they are thinking of themselves. They are not worried about you going out on your own and maybe not surviving. They are thinking of themselves and their survival. We are all worried about the same thing. Ourselves. So, do what is best for you in your mind, not theirs.

Nine is you are hungover even if you don’t think you are. You have to get sober to know that you were drunk. And, I don’t mean just when you’re drinking. I define being drunk as the time you feel drunk and the time it takes for your body to process the alcohol you consumed. And, in my case, drunk includes the time I spent drinking, sleeping it off and battling the fog the next day. I would also include the next few days. Because, if you didn’t drink, those same few days after are a whole lot different than when you do drink. So, perhaps, you may get up the next day and get to work. But, you are not nearly as effective than if you didn’t drink. You may look and smell like a rose, but you’re all thorns on the inside.

So, where do I go from here? At 90 days, 100 days is the next “milestone.” That’s a mere 10 days away. That is easy and I will probably just do that. Beyond that, I don’t know. There is one more thing that I learned on this journey. 

You can’t do more than one day at a time. So, don’t try to. You just create the anxiety that fuels a failure. Just worry about today. So, I will not look at 6 months or a year. It is not a race with a defined finish line. It is life. It is life with all its unpredictability and opportunity thrown at you each day. And, the best way to deal with it is one day at a time.

Do You Love Yourself?

I just read Annie Grace's email with the subject line of "Bulletproof." Yes, I am on her list. The topic of the email was the feeling of being bulletproof. This is how you feel when you are young and there is a power in that. And, it is a power you can rekindle at any age. Anyway, it was good stuff. Annie always has good stuff.

One of the points Annie made was about loving yourself. This concept is not new to me. I have read about it. Considered it regarding myself and what I see in others. I do believe that I understand it. Or, do I?

One thing that Annie talks about is taking care of yourself. Caring for yourself is a form of loving yourself. One of the ways of loving yourself is making good choices about nourishing your body with the right foods, water, exercise, rest, etc. And, this triggered a thought in me.

I do pretty well with my physical health and did so even when drinking. I am a regular at the gym, run all summer and ski all winter, I eat mostly vegan and organic. I use supplements. I stretch, meditate and do yoga. You can say these are all acts of love. But, not everything I have done lately is loving...

Lately, I have been eating so much crap. Doughnuts, cookies and candy. I have seen this progressively getting worse by the day. And, it made me think "why would I punish myself in this way?" This is certainly not loving myself.

This sense that I was hurting myself with these sugary snacks gave way to the memory of me doing this just a few months ago with alcohol. It is the same thing. And, in my mind, the image my Drinking Demon appeared, looking at me with his hands outstretched offering me an open cookie jar....

Same asshole, different poison.  What the fuck?

I recoiled at the thought and the image disappeared from my mind. But, the feeling remained.

Once again, I felt betrayed by a side of me that does not love me. It is a side of me that wants to hurt me and punish me. It is a shadow side.

It is the part of me that harbors deep seated memories that are gross distortions of truth. Each one etched onto the walls of my mind by a toddler version of myself. Thoughts from an immature mind that should have no bearing on today. And yet, they still hold some power over me.

But, like all dark shadows of memory, they are swiftly chased away by the light of consciousness. By awareness. I am looking at those sugary snacks a lot differently now. They don't seem to have the same appeal that gave me that dopamine rush. I look at them as hurting myself, not caring for myself.

Not loving myself.

Another step in the sober world. Day 59.

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." Henry David Thoreau

Why you don't want to be alcohol-free

If you have or think you have a drinking problem you shouldn’t try to become alcohol free. And, let’s be honest, if you think you might have a problem with alcohol, you probably do. But, whether you have figured out you if have a problem or not, you should still not try to become alcohol free.

The concept of that someone with an alcohol problem shouldn’t become alcohol free sounds counter-intuitive. And, it is. Stick with me here.

Before I get into the why behind not being alcohol free, let me explain my journey and how I came to this conclusion.

I am not and never was a passed out, in the gutter, out of work drunk. My problem was never that serious. But, it was still serious to me.

I was a high-functioning alcoholic. Or, at least as highly functioning as I could be. To even say I was high functioning and an alcoholic in one sentence sounds like an oxymoron. I probably wasn’t an alcoholic as the term is commonly known and used. But, I definitely had a problem with alcohol.

I experienced the sleeping issues, the blackouts, the mysterious internet purchases and the occasional misunderstanding with people that seemed so important when buzzed but so stupid the next day. I knew there was a problem and I needed to do something about it.

I joined an online challenge for 30 days. And, I listened to a book about problem drinking. In fact, I read several books. I followed a number of YouTubers who had something to say. I accumulated a lot of knowledge on alcohol, what it does to your body physically and what it does to you mind mentally and emotionally. There were some themes across all the books and then there were some genuinely unique insights from some of the authors. All and all, I did the research. A lot of research. And, it became very clear to me that alcohol was not doing me any good. And, I understood why. So, I tried to go alcohol-free.

I joined a 30 day no alcohol challenge. I thought it would be challenging but certainly not impossible. The first few days were interesting. The way I felt was incredible. You don’t really know how bad alcohol makes you feel until stop using it. Anyway, I was going along just fine and then on Day 10 I was informed of a promotion that I did not get. I was crushed. And, I immediately had a couple of drinks to soothe my emotions. Sound familiar?

Well, that slip up led me back to the daily drinking within days. And, it completely erased the pink cloud of those nine days without a drink. So, not one to give up and now with new knowledge, I geared up for another challenge.

My second attempt lasted 8 days. And, this time it was not devastating news that pushed me off the cart. It was the beautiful surroundings of a Canadian winter landscape. I brought my wife to a gorgeous ski chalet north of Quebec, Canada for her 50th birthday. As soon as I walked into the room and saw the view of the mountains through the floor to roof peak windows, the king-sized four poster canopy bed and perfectly arranged and ready to light fireplace, I knew this was going to be an awesome time. And, my immediate thoughts were that I couldn’t possibly enjoy this atmosphere without some wine. Have you ever had that thought?

I would go on to make three more decent attempts over the next 10 months. And, when I say decent attempts, I mean something more than a few days. I can’t count how many Day One’s I have had. Even the two or three day stretches are too plentiful to recall. But, as many attempts as I had, they all ended with the same result. Me back to drinking daily. But, the drinking wasn’t even the worst part.

Every failed attempt seemed to build a case for not being able to quit. It was damaging my self esteem. I felt like a failure. And, of course this emotional pain would end up getting soothed with more alcohol. And, hence, I find myself on the addict’s merry-go-round known as the addiction cycle. I was losing the battle. I was losing hope.

As I continued to go through these cycles I did keep reading, and rereading, the books on quitting. This Naked Mind, Alcohol Lied to Me, Recovery and Alcohol Explained. I continued follow Youtubers and Blogs. It is this persistence that I credit with me finally finding a way.

I ended up stumbling upon another program called the 30 Day Sobriety Solution. It is another book and has a companion website to go with it. This program took a less technical approach and more of a psychological approach. It didn’t get to deeply into the physical damage that alcohol causes except to understand that it is happening. The book was more linked to the emotional aspects that we have with alcohol. It challenges the more deeply seated feelings that may cause you to drink and addresses them with exercises.

I did the 30 sobriety challenge and it worked. But, I worked. I did everything that the program said to do. And, I am still doing it. And, one of the key concepts is that you should not try to become alcohol free. Here is why.

The term alcohol-free is similar to the marketing of alcohol. It uses the word alcohol. There is an impression on the brain that occurs even with the simplest of messages. This fact cannot be understated. So, when the focus is always on alcohol, it becomes more difficult to ignore it. And, the easiest way to understand this is with the elephant test.

Sit back, close your eyes and don’t think of an elephant, especially pink ones. Go ahead and try it.

Did you try it? I’ll bet that not only did you think of an elephant, you thought of a pink one! The mere suggestion creates that image in your mind assuming you know what an elephant is. This experiment fails with aliens from another planet and human infants who don’t know what an elephant is. But, if you’re like 99% of the human race which there is a 99% chance you are, you thought of an elephant. And, it was probably pink (Pink Elephant). So, what does this have to do with alcohol?

We are constantly focused on alcohol in our lives and in society. We are mercilessly bombarded with messages of alcohol in media, advertising, music and video. In one study on Twitter, profiles of those of over 21 years of age received 1,836 alcohol related tweets within a 30 day span. And, the frequency of the messaging peaked on Thursdays and Fridays (Twitter Study). What a shocker??

I play guitar and sing for small parties. Well over half of the songs I sing have some reference to alcohol. And, let’s not even get started on how glorified alcohol is in the movies!! And, it is this very reason and the others previously outlined is why trying to be alcohol-free will not work.

The very mention of alcohol, or pink elephants, will draw your focus to these things. So, instead of trying to become alcohol-free, we should become sober.

Yes, being sober is the same as being non-alcoholic. But, to your mind, this is two different things. The mention of alcohol brings in thoughts of alcohol. The parties, the buzz, the after work relaxation, the pre-dinner wine, etc. The mention of sobriety brings in, well, sobriety. So, to increase the likelihood of your success, you should focus on being sober instead of alcohol-free. It makes a big difference. It made all the difference to me.

When you think of being sober, not only does the imagery not include alcohol, it features early mornings and refreshing sleep, driving without worries and clean living. Lower restaurant tabs, great sleep, better exercise, etc. This is where we need to place our focus.


Unfortunately, sobriety is tougher to sell than alcohol. There are no major companies spending billions of dollars selling sobriety. And, some marketing, especially in social media, would have you thinking that sobriety is just boring. I can assure you that it is not.

I am having a better time now than I did when I was drinking. I am way more engaged. I am more interested in others.  I am less distracted, less preoccupied and so much better connected to myself and others. There is one part that does suck.

When you are sober and others drink you start to see things you didn’t see before. I not referring to dinner with friends. I am referring to the parties where the drinking continues into the night. When you are sober you start to see people say and do some stupid shit. Someone incoherently babbling on and on with alcohol infused breath in your face is as pleasant as throwing up.

No. Thank. You.

But, if dealing with drunks is part of the price you pay for all the benefits of sobriety, I will gladly pay that price. By the way, you can just walk away, mid-sentence, from that incoherent, babbling drunk. You won’t hurt their feelings and they won’t remember it anyway.

Party on Garth! Party on Wayne!

For me, I am going to Sober On!!

Dear Alcohol

Dear Alcohol,

It's over. I have had enough of your lies and deception. You promise so much yet deliver so little. You act like a Giver when you're nothing but a Taker.

You disgust me. You've used me and taken me for granted for far too long. I will not waste one more precious minute on you.

Oh, I know you will try to make up.  But, that lie has grown as tired as you've made me feel.

It is time to pack your bags and find somewhere else to die. Because, it will not be with me.

You have damaged my health, my relationships, my finances and my confidence. You have not served a useful purpose in years. I don't know why I ever let you stay.

You have robbed me of my memories, my potential and my self esteem. You have hijacked hours of my time and cheapened every experience you were around me.

I know there will be some remorse for me. We did have some good times. But, like other relationships that start off all lustful and exciting, things change. And, the change with you has not been good. The only way to get good change is to change you out of my life.

Don't try getting back with me either. I will fight you tooth and nail. I will remember all the shit you brought into my life, I will remember the way you laughed at me while I was in pain the morning after a night with you. I will watch the video of me dancing like a fucking moron.

Pack your shit and get out!!

It's over. 

Day One or One Day

I am at Day One. 

Again.

Last week it was something at work. Last night it was something at home. The hurt I think I am curing only turns into the hurt of the cure. The next day always sucks.

I am not even hung over physically. I am wide awake and about to put down some miles on a trail run. But, the mental hangover makes me feel like I'm the trail and not the runner.

It's times like this when going alcohol free feels like a game of Chutes & Ladders. And, I just came down the chute back to Day One. The problem is there is no fun in this game. But, there is a lot of learning.

I am seeing patterns. I am seeing the cause and the effect. I have learned to anticipate that initial urge growing inside me as I leave work. When I start driving home I can feel the ping pong thoughts that bounce back and forth between the "drinking" paddle and the "non-drinking" paddle. I press on hoping not to hit it into the net. Just get home...

Once I get home I am usually okay. There is plenty to do with kids, homework, dinner and the like. I just stay busy and it seems to work out fine as long as nothing unusual happens.

The thing about the unusual is that you can't anticipate it. Like a sick child, it just shows up and throws up unannounced. And, it is usually something you are not in control of. Mix some panicked emotions into this vomit party and stress levels will escalate faster than cheating accusations after the Patriots win another football game.

I do believe that success long term will depend on being able to handle these unforeseen challenges with a different reaction. Reaching for a drink has been ingrained over the years and really has just become a habit. It has become a neural highway that gets me to where I want to go faster than any other means. But, that highway is littered with wrecks in the form of hangovers, blacked-out memories, damaged relationships and dents in my self esteem. It is time to find a new road.

So, it is Day One again. But, not one day. It has to be many days. I have learned that my relationship with alcohol is dynamic. At times it can be compelling and irresistible, other times, comforting and soothing. But, no matter what gets it started, it always ends the same. It is like the really friendly and likable person you meet that turns out to be nothing but a liar and a cheat. 

It's just not worth it. 

I See Drunk People

Can I tell you a secret?

I see drunk people.

In my dreams? 

No. I see them while I'm awake in bars, in homes, at parties. They're everywhere...

Do they know they're drunk? 

I don't think so. They don't seem to notice. Some seem happy and some seem sad. And, they all seem to drink more no matter how they feel. But, I don't think they know they're drunk. Or, getting drunker.

Does it help them?

I don't think so. But, they do. They think it relieves stress. Or, makes them more social, or dance better. And, some even think it makes them better Karaoke singers.

Does it hurt them?

Yes. And, they know it. But, they do it anyway. They see only what they want to see.

Can they be helped?

Yes. But, they must be willing to help themselves. Stopping is hard at first. But, it gets easier with time. And, there are lots of places to get help.

Do you want to see them stop drinking?

Yes. I don't want to see drunk people anymore.

Am I an Alcoholic or a Normal Drinker?

I was at a bar with coworkers yesterday and opted for the Soda Water Lime Special of the Day. I got a strange look from one of my fellow department heads. I knew what was on his mind. So, before he could ask, I told him I was taking a break from drinking.



His eyes squinted a look of disbelief and asked "why?"



"I'm taking a break. No big deal," I replied hoping that would be the end of the interrogation. But, it wasn't.



He asked me if I was an "alcoholic or a normal drinker."



Now it was my turn to ask the questions. I have known alcoholics that have gone way over the edge to the point of needing rehab to recover. I didn't think that was me. But the other option got me thinking. "What is a normal drinker?"



Is there even such a thing as a normal drinker? This concept just didn't make sense to me. I thought about it in other cases.



What is a normal smoker? What is a normal pothead? What is normally obese? The problem, of course, with all these situations is that they are not normal at all. They are abnormal.



So, am I an abnormal drinker?



I have come to realize this. It is not one glass of wine. It's the bottle. It's not one beer. It's the six-pack. When someone sees themselves in this way, they have to realize that what they are doing is not normal. 



You have just enough of a problem to wonder if you have a problem. You're not completely over the edge. But, you're one little slip from a big fall. So, I stayed away from the edge with my soda water and lime.



One thing I could appreciate when I left that bar, besides the zero bill, was that when I slipped behind the wheel to drive home, I felt like a normal driver.

Till Sobriety Do Us Part

My wife and I have enjoyed many a bottle of wine over the years. There are a lot of memories of places traveled and functions attended where the wine was commonplace. There were times of crowded places and moments of intimate spaces where the vino flowed. Wine is one of the threads that has woven our lives together to form the relationship and bond we enjoy today. But, what happens when the bottle runs dry?





My journey on the 30 days of alcohol-free living has presented some challenges I expected. The temptations on Sunday afternoons when the pigskin gets tossed around. The weekly visit to the wood-fired pizza joint with my family every Friday. The challenges you expect are the easy ones. You know what's coming and you can mentally prepare for them. It's the unexpected challenges you need to be careful about.





I wrote about the feeling of being an Outcast in another post. This was a challenge I didn't expect. But, I dealt with it. It was an internally born feeling which made it easier to deal with. And, once I understood it, I was able to mentally, and easily, joust my way around it. But, another challenge has presented itself that I have not completely solved yet.





This one does not come from inside my head which it makes it a bit more complicated to solve. It comes from the closest part of my external world. It comes from my soulmate, my best friend, my life partner. It comes from my wife.





My wife enjoys her wine. We enjoyed our wine. But, she never indulged to the level I did. She would occasionally have too much. But, that was the exception. I seemed to always have too much. And, that was the rule. And, it is why I thought it was time for a break. I just didn't realize that I would not just be breaking from the alcohol, I would be breaking from my wife too. At least that is her prospective.





She no longer has me as her partner-in-crime. She has threatened that she will have to get a new "drinking buddy." Acting as if the 30 days was going to be 30 years, she continues to question me everyday if I am going to join her for a glass of wine. So, what I thought would be a source of unquestioned support has instead become a source of unsupportive questions. That has been disappointing to say the least. And, that is not the worst of it.





It has been said that "adversity does not build character, it reveals it." Both, my wife and I are under some adversity as I strive to reach my 30 days alcohol-free. I am struggling to break free of the drinking habit. And, my wife is struggling to let me. The inherent selfishness that is revealed in our words and actions is unsettling at best and saddening at worst.





But, is it really a selfish choice? I don't believe so.





My decision to do the 30 day no alcohol challenge was not a selfish choice. It was a choice for self. It was a choice for me. It was me following a calling to improve myself, to become the best version of myself. And, the world is a better place with not just the best version of myself, but the best version of each of us.





Sometimes when we endeavor on missions to change the world or ourselves it may seem that the universe creates obstacles. These obstacles are not meant to stop us. They are meant to make us stronger. This is why we need to push through obstacles when it gets tough. And, it doesn't matter where these obstacles come from. Whether it is a friend, an acquaintance, a stranger or even your own spouse. You must push through and stick with the mission.





It is said that it is darkest just before the dawn. As I push through to 30 days I will hold my fearful wife a little closer and tighter during that darkness. And, when the dawn of 30 days arrives, she will see that she has not lost me.

Outcast

Life is a series of moments. Some are good. Some are not. While on this journey without alcohol the moments are different. They are more vivid. They have some sense of exaggerated meaning. They seem to have more impact than they would have weeks ago with a glass of wine in hand.



The feelings around these moments seem to loom larger and yet they are not. When numbed or blinded by alcohol the meaning was probably the same. It was just diminished. And, then there are some feelings that are new.



At a recent dinner with friends where the wine flowed the topic of my abstaining came up. I felt like there were some gestures of "good for you" and "that's nice." At that moment, they were on their third bottle of wine, may have even been the fourth. Somehow, the idea of them considering abstinence seem to present itself. The man of house raised his glass in a toast and heartily proclaimed "not me!" His raised glass was met with the others, including my wife, in a celebratory clink over the center of the table. At that moment, I felt completely alone.



I was with a group of friends known for years and yet felt outside of the group. And, by my own decision. The feeling passed but I would recall it as I do now. Alone. Not lonely. But, alone.



It felt like I was an outcast of the tribe. A tribe I had become a part of over the years. And, now exiled for some wrong I had committed.  Of course, this is not true. But, those feelings were there.



Being part of the tribe is part of the human instinct. It is in our genes. It is how we survived when we lived in caves and dodged saber toothed tigers. When you get exiled it sparks fear. What is Fear? Fear is a primal instinct that tries to protect you. Talk about old habits that die hard. 



Well, outcast or not. I stuck with my commitment. 



And, today I feel good about it. In fact, I might even start my own tribe.

Setbacks

October 10, 2017

Yesterday was a setback. I received some news that was very disappointing and upsetting. So, I proceeded to drown my sorrows in wine. 9 days down the drain. Now I will start over.

I must realize that there will always be things that come up. Life has disappointments. It is part of life. There is no way around it. But, there is a better way to handle it. I could have done better.

I will begin again with more experience and more determination.

October 16, 2017

Another setback. But, unlike the previous one, there was no devastating news, no disappointment. It was the end of a long week and I just wanted to have a drink. 

I honestly didn't give it a hard try. It was as if I watched myself going through the motions. I could almost hear a voice in my head screaming, "What are you doing?"

That scream fell on deaf ears though. And, I proceeded through Saturday and Sunday with more of the same. I went to bed early on Sunday to assure a full night's sleep. I took some melatonin to make sure I stayed asleep. I didn't want the alcoholic sleep where you wake up in a pool of sweat and then toss and turn unable to fall back asleep.

So, I am back to Day One. And, I want it to be Day One and not one day. I didn't realize the effort that this would take. I demonstrated that effort the first week. But, I must have become complacent, took my eyes off the goal, forgot my why's. Whatever. I am back.

One Week Not Weak

Today marks one week of no alcohol. It was easier than I thought it would be. That is not to say that I did not work at it.

I watched a daily video from James Swanwick who runs a 30 Day No Alcohol Challenge.  Part of James' program includes a private Facebook group which I joined.  I also joined another closed Facebook group that basically does the same thing.  I have accountability partners in both groups. I am active in both groups and reach out to my accountability partners everyday. I also write in the Blog everyday.  So, I am paying attention to the process.

I have not yet had any "real" tests. Most of my drinking was done at home. Wine was my go-to drink everyday before and during dinner. But, I was at home all week and I was okay. I was even okay the night my wife opened a bottle of our favorite Cabernet. My determination is to get to the 30 days is strong.

Today, I face my real test. My wife and I will visit a couple whom we always had drinks with. And, later we'll got to dinner at a restaurant where we always had drinks with dinner. One thing I have learned in this past week is how pervasive alcohol is in my life and in society. Alcohol is Everywhere.

I am keeping my why's at the forefront of my mind. And, after one week, I am not weak. I am strong!

Alcohol Is Everywhere!!

I never really paid attention to alcohol until I stopped paying attention to it. That is a bit of a mindbender so let me explain.

When I drank everyday I never really noticed how many liquor stores there were on my drive to and from work. I never really noticed how often I see advertising for alcohol. It is in most movies and music. It's on all the sporting broadcasts. I even hear it in some of the books I listen to. And, I listen to non-fiction.

The point I am trying to make is that I didn't notice how prevalent alcohol is in our society until I stopped using it. There is an obvious correlation between my desire for it and my subconscious looking for it since I have recently quit. That much is obvious. But, this is one of those surprises that I did not expect taking the 30 Day No Alcohol Challenge. And, one that has given me a new perspective on our lives.

Alcohol is so pervasive in our society that is should be no wonder why we have so many alcohol related problems. It is literally everywhere! It is a part of every socio-economic class of society. It is geographically everywhere including so-called "dry" counties. It is ingrained in our culture.

It is no wonder our youth are drawn to the "adult" beverages. It becomes the forbidden fruit that the Serpent uses to lure the Eve of our youth. It is really a shame in some respects.

According to Statista, alcohol has become a huge part of the economy generating a whopping $223.2 Billion in sales annually in the US alone and those sales continue to increase. Sales increased 4.5% last year alone.

Americans are drinking more. A lot more. 

According to a study published in JAMA Psychiatry, an estimated one out of every eight Americans struggles with an alcohol disorder.

While none of what I learned is good news, it is news that I would not have learned if it hadn't joined the 30 Day No Alcohol Challenge. It is eye-opening.

It is sobering.